Only Love

A YEAR AGO today, I had lunch with my boyfriend and took the opportunity to
complain to him.
"Today is Valentine's Day. Why didn't you give me any flowers?" He raised his
eyebrow.
"Why should I give you flowers? You are not my anyone."
"Then... you should at least give me a card!" I pouted my lips, hurt by his
tone.
"I know, I know. After lunch, I'll send you an e-card."
"E-card??" That sounds so impersonal, but that's the way he is.
"You have to e-mail it to me. I'll be waiting." I excitedly smiled and planned
to sneak home after
lunch to check e-mail. Even though he wouldn't use any romantic words, I still
looked forward to the
card.
"I'm going back to work. Hurry and send me the card!"
As soon as I walked in my door, I turned on my computer and got online.
Staring at the empty inbox, I began to reminisce about how we met.

Maybe no one will believe me, but my boyfriend and I were actually neighbors.
Our homes were only 1 wall away. Ever since we were kids, we liked to fight with
each other all day
long.
We were only neighbors. At that time, I hated my parents for making us live next
to him.
At that time, I had a crush on a senior.After a while, I found out that the
senior student had lots
of girlfriends.
When I cried about it, he silently passed me a handkerchief and awkwardly held
me in his arms.
"I told you he wasn't any good." He roughly comforted me.
I cried in his arms the whole night, and began to see him in a different way.
Things began to change between us. We still fought all the time, but he started
to look at me
differently.
And I blushed and my heart beat faster when he was near.
We both knew: we fell in love with each other.

Even with this knowledge, neither of us said anything.
Even though we would not be able to resist and kissed each other constantly.

Even though we cared about each other's every moves.
Both of us refused to admit our love.
Alright, we became lovers, but we still wouldn't say we loved each other.
We didn't even spend Valentine's Day together until he saw me share dinner with
a man one Valentine's
Day.
That night, he waited for me in front of my door and said that he would take me
out to dinner on
Valentine's Day from then on. I have to say that he was very arrogant. But I
nodded and accepted his
request. Since then, we spent every Valentine's Day together.
On the surface, we may have left each other.
But in reality, we were still together.
We spent every Valentine's Day together but each year became more dreary than
the next because he
never told me he loved me even with all my hints.

Still facing the empty inbox, I suddenly grew very angry.
He wouldn't say it and wouldn't send me a card. What did he mean?
Who did he think I was? I called his cell phone.
"Hello." He picked up the phone.
"I didn't receive the card." I immediately showed my pleasure.
"You didn't receive it?" He seemed really busy.
"But I sent it." He was really busy but I didn't care.
"I didn't receive it. Send it again."
"Okay, I'll send you 100 times. Is that good enough??" He said with impatience.
His tone further infuriated me.
Is that how lovers speak to each other?
"Don't bother sending it to me.
And you don't have to pick me up tonight. I'll eat dinner by myself."
"Don't be childish, ok? I'm really busy."
"I AM childish!" I hung up the phone and tears rolled down my cheeks.
Childish?? Why didn't he consider the situation?

We've gone out for so many years and spent countless Valentine's Day together.
I never received any flowers nor cards from him.
Now, I just want a little e-card. Is that too much to ask for??
I unplugged the phone from the wall and turned off my cell phone.
I didn't want to hear his explanations.

After I returned to the hospital, I instructed the receptionist not to forward
me any phone calls.
I wanted to concentrate on work.
Because there were so many emergencies today, I was sweating 1 hour later and
forgot about our
argument.
"Dr. Shu, please take a look at that patient."
As I was collecting my equipment, the shrill sound of an ambulance sounded
outside the ER.
When I stepped out the door, the emergency medics hurriedly wheeled in a gurney.
"What happened to him?" I asked the 1st medic.
Everyone else were trying to help put the patient on the gurney.
He was covered with blood.
"Car accident." The medic replied.
"Very serious. He may die."
I nodded and ran to the operating room with them.

When I arrived, the nurses told me that the man had already stopped breathing
and also his heartbeat
also stopped.
"Prepare for shock." I calmly instructed the nurses.
Saving people is our duty. We can't and shouldn't lose our calm.
But when I saw who laid on the operating table, I lost my calm.
That person was my BOYFRIEND!
"NO..." I stood in shock.
"NO!!!" I grabbed the paddles and continuously shocked his body.
His body bounced up and down from the shocks.
The scared nurses went to find another doctor, to tell him that I was crazy.

I didn't know if I was crazy or not. I just wanted to save my lover.
Even though we fought all the time. Even though he never showed me his love.

I still wanted to save him. He still owed me a card. He couldn't die!
I threw away the paddles and began to press on his heart.
I pressed with all my strength, hoping it would revive him, but he didn't wake
up.
He didn't even say "It hurts".
He just laid there with his eyes closed, punishing me with his silence.


Dr. Jian angrily pushed me away.
By that time, I couldn't see clearly anymore. I cried. I wailed.
I bowled until no sounds could come out of my mouth.
"It's too late, Dr. Shu. He's already dead. I'm sorry." Dr. Jian patted me on
the shoulder.
They knew each other and ate together once. I introduced them.
"He can't die." I shook my head.
"He can't die!!" I struggled to run to him.
"Dr. SHU, control yourself!" Dr. Jian slapped me.
"I understand what you're going through, but you're a doctor."
Yes, I'm a doctor, but I'm also a regular person.
How can Dr. Jian understand how I feel?
I've loved him for so many years that it's become a habit.
How can I just throw away a habit?
Besides, he still owed me a card.
"I want him to live! I want him to live!" I ran to him again and tried to knock
the life back into
his body.
"Take her away!"


That day, I lost my control and my professionalism.
And that day happened to be Valentine's Day.
Afterwards, I asked his co-workers why he left work early that day.
They told me that after I hung up the phone, he tried to call me several times
but couldn' reach me.
Worried, he drove to the hospital to find me and got hit by a large truck on the
way.
When I heard this, I froze.
My tantrum killed him.
Just because of an unmailed card, he died.
After that, I lost my privilege to be childish.
Like an abandoned cat,I couldn't even cry anymore.

After his death, I couldn't cry anymore, regardless of how touching the plot or
how tear-jerking the
dialogue.
They didn't affect me anymore.
I turned on computer after a year later, even though I know no one will send me
a mail,
I still hoped that someone will remember me on this day.
GOSH....I have.... 100 emails!
Who would be bored enough to send me 100 junk mail?
I was just about to delete them all when I received another mail,
and this one said: "Because of system error, we could not send these until
today.
We apologize for the delay."
The sender was my BOYFRIEND!!!
I looked at the 1st mail.
It showed the send date is last year's Valentine's Day.
My heart began to beat fast.
Could he have sent these? With a trembling hand, I opened the mail.

The first thing that popped up was a gorgeous red rose set against green leaves.
Then a beautiful melody began to play...."Only Love".
I couldn't believe it.
The rose was so beautiful and the music was so dreamy.
I almost thought I was in a fantasy.

Most touching of all were the words underneath the rose, because the words read
like a beautiful
poem.
"Only love can make a memory. Only love can make a moment last.
You were there and all the world was young and all it's songs unsung and I
remember you then when
love was all, all you were living for, and how you gave that love to me...."


The lyrics of this song fits our love so closely.
When he was alive,my world was so young.
Every day, I could find a something different to fight with him about.
But after he left, my life is only left with memories and coldness that will
never go away.
When I read these words, my tears unconsciously came, wetting the keyboard.
I replied 100 times, and "Only Love" played 100 times.